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Jokes 4



gender roles

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and appear to be happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked. "But why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?

"Land mines," said the woman.

The proper perspective is everything.

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Are you qualified to be a "professional"?

An Easy Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a "professional."

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But
don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

*

*

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

*

*

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?" Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...
except one ... Which animal does not attend?

*

*

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

*

*

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests
whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the
theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

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Oil Shortage

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
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Color Blindness

Take this test it's really informative. Color blindness
http://i.madblast.com/funflash/swf/ColorBlind2.swf
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Think of a letter between A and W.
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.
.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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.
.
Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ..


Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
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Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name
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Almost there........
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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level
.
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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
.
.
. Of course not.......
.
.
.
.Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!
.
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Famous Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Sam and Edith

Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, everyday."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to,"was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!"
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Weight Loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you
catch me you can have me"

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's
definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. For the next four
days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs
himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.

"Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our
most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

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Single
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee, and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"
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A little humor for the day ... Apologies in advance

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the Dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
10. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
11. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Mystery Solved


And now, the latest explanation as to the mystery of

WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

GEORGE W BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!


RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it the other side Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


KARL MARX

It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE

I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS

Did I miss one?

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The Kosherization of GW

George W. says to an aide, "I need to do better in south Florida this year. I gotta see what all this Jewish stuff is about." So off they go to a kosher restaurant. The first course is set in front of them - matzoh ball soup. George W. is grossed out and reluctant to taste this strange-looking brew. Gently, the aide says,"Just have a taste, Mr. President. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl, picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some broth. He hesitates, then swallows, and a grin slowly appears on his face. George W. digs in and quickly finishes off the entire bowl and all of the matzoh balls.
"That was delicious," George W.says to his aide. "Do they eat any other parts of the matzoh, or just the balls?"


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How old is Grandma? Stay with this the answer is at the end, it will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the Pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first - and then lived together. Every family had a father and mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir.' This was before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by our faith in God, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and we never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. Long hair meant classical music. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a woman needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap..... and how old do you think I am ???..... I bet you have this old lady in mind... you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
This Woman would be only 58 years old! Born in 1944

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Christmas news flash

Here's some refreshing news:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost..
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Life is all about ass

Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.
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City Dude

City dude stopped at an old farm house, asked the old farmer, "You have some milk weeds growing down the lane. Do you care if I go down and get me a pail of milk?' The farmer snickered and said "Go ahead." Soon the city dude came back with a pail of milk. Dude said "Bet you don't know you have some honesuckle growing , can I get a pail of honey," Go ahead, soon he came back with a pail full of honey. The city dude said" Can' t believe you have pussy willows growing on the edge of the pond" The Old farmer said " Hold on there, I'll get my hat and go with you."

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MY NAME IS DAVE AND I'M A CARBOHYDRATIC

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with our bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER." But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates. I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing. And then, when the mood was right, somebody would say: "You wanna do some 'drates?" And the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths and just. EAT them.

My only excuse was that we were ignorant. It's not like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and virtually every product isadvertised as being "low-carb," including beer, denture adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and Viagra. Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread! Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a midtown Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. ("Do what he says! He has pasta!") The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month because of reports - false, thank heavens - that terrorists had put a bagel in the water supply.

But as I say, in the old days we believed that the reason you got fat was from eating "calories," which are tiny units of measurement that cause food to taste good. When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which we ate only inedible foods such as celery, which is actually a building material. The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal human could stick to it for, at most, four hours, at which point he or she would have no biological choice but to sneak out to the garage and snork down an entire bag of Snickers, sometimes without removing the wrappers. So nobody lost weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation, turned to disco.

But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet: Dr. Something Atkins. Dr. Atkins discovered an amazing thing: Calories don't matter! What matter are carbohydrates, which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high speeds and form tiny invisible doughnuts. Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that as long as you avoided carbohydrates,you could, without guilt, eat high-fat, high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to bread. At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galileo and Eminem, Dr. Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to - yes - stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police determined to be shards of Melba toast. But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream - a dream that, some day,he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books. And he did, achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an incident that the autopsy report listed as "totally unrelated to the undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found in his stomach." But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose weight.The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans, who have, as a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as far inland as Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people are still sneaking Snickers. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Got any more?

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

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egg and a chicken

An egg and a chicken were sitting on the side of the bed in a sweat, breathing hard, and smoking a cigarette....after sex. Egg says to the chicken..."I guess that settles the age old question, doesn't it?"!

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Smart Robot

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any good bartender --engage in appropriate conversation.

A man enters the bar and orders a drink. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, etc.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, baseball, cheerleaders, etc.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50." And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush? "
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The "F" word

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1999


and a drum roll............! .....


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

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( I like this welfare worker :-)

~A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

~The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

~The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

~The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

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911

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
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Top 10 Funny Sports Blunders

Here are the top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said? !
-------------------------------------------

young blonde

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high price the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeeper, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price"!

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young women standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence.

Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "This one is barefoot, too!"

-------------------------------------------

Nude beach ...

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

-------------------------------------------

Two aliens

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently. "Greetings Earthling.

We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty five minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

-------------------------------------------

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff anyway?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)


*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(Do you suppose they might have bad breath?)


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wailing Wall

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!
She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years," he informs her.
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

-------------------------------------------
Subject: Questions that need answering

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?

2. Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on..........

14. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

15. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

16. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

HAVE A HAPPY DAY!!!
-------------------------------------------

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

(True Story) Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this... NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."

-------------------------------------------

Aussie Travel

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the ! night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN - THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

-------------------------------------------

The Nun

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one
Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ...
Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted ...

-------------------------------------------
The Pastor's Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

-------------------------------------------

"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

For those with No children - this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious. For those who have children at this age - this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth control!

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amassing thing. True story: One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy xxxxx! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid

-------------------------------------------

The Ugly Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS?

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

-------------------------------------------

Jokes from Mary Poppins

My brother has a cushy job at the watch factory – he makes faces all day

It was starting to get cold, so I went to the shop to get some long underwear. The shop owner said, how long do you want it”. I said, “Oh from October to May”.

-------------------------------------------

The cowboy and Lesbian

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink,
a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV,
I think about women. I even
think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down
on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
-------------------------------------------

Homeland Security Bill

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different.

For a demonstration, click on the link below (once opened, move mouse around) ...............

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/


-------------------------------------------

Astrological After-Sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
-------------------------------------------


a hangover is the wrath of grapes........

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance......

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.......

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me........

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.........

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; he made so many.

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory on your computer.

HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

-------------------------------------------

football game

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her
how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," she said, " I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get
the quarterback!' Hello! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd
do if it was a whole DOLLAR!

-------------------------------------------
Friendship Pledge

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of Promises that really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will

know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask. Because you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. And remember. .Life is too short, eat dessert first!


-------------------------------------------

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS: "Daddy, how was I born?" Dad says, "Ah, my son, I
guess one day you will need to find out anyway! "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, you've got male!"

-------------------------------------------

Memo to all Airlines:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion aren't allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again hoping to see a naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have record sales.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton
-------------------------------------------

Mensa Definitions:

The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself, for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consumming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
-------------------------------------------

Arthritis

A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son,
it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much
alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with
prostitutes; and lack of bathing." The drunk muttered in response,
"Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have
it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

-------------------------------------------

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Passing requires only 4 correct answers out of 10.

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


All done? Check your answers below!


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.
_____
What do you mean -- you failed?

-------------------------------------------

KIDS IN CHURCH

A Sunday school teacher asked her class,"What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n'Mary.
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Groaners

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

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Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
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Leroy the Red Neck Reindeer - http://www.ruthann1.com/RedneckChristmas.htm\
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Baby Jesus (Christmas)

Well, it's that special day again. The Holy day that Jesus H. Christ was born unto the earth. He died for your sins - now it's time to return the favor! The Baby Jesus has a tummy ache and he needs you to burp him! Follow the link below (or you'll burn in Hell forever)... PRAISE! ~Steven

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/burping_jesus.asp


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Wackywits.com - http://www.wackywits.com– Animated Musical fun pages

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Business/Sheep Joke

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, " If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 15-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right.. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd..

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the shepherd, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know diddly-squat about my business .........Now give me back my dog!


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The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"

"A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.........."
--Helen Rowland

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Things you should never say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3...........................................Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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How to get a Federal Gov't Contract (Canadian Humor)

The steps at the Parliament Hill building needed some repairs so bids are taken from contractors from across the country.

First a contractor from Toronto looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $19,000, he says. I'd need $9,000 for materials, $9,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.

Next a redneck from Calgary does his measuring and calculating then says, I'll do it for $17,000. $8,000 for materials, $8,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.

Last a Liberal-friendly advertising firm from Montreal steps up.
Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $57,000. Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it. It's simple, he says. $20,000 for me, $20,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Calgary.