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Products for YOUR Health, Wealth and Empowerment!

Jokes 7


http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com
www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/pumpkin_carve.asp
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SEE YOUR NAME IN RUSSIAN

http://www.callme.nm.ru
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Aussiebloke instruction manual

Richard Glover
May 19, 2007

Your AussieBloke has a durable outer casing but it is highly sensitive to knocks.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieBloke. Your investment should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please read these instructions carefully before use.
Warnings
* Never overfill your AussieBloke. Overfilling can affect both the appearance and speed of your AussieBloke and may lessen its operating life.
* Do not attempt to seal the ventilation openings on your AussieBloke. The regular emission of toxic odours is an important safety feature built into your AussieBloke. It is not considered a malfunction under your warranty.
* For optimum operation, you should give your AussieBloke a regular and thorough servicing.
Getting started
* Try to keep your AussieBloke upright while getting him into the house. Use no hooks, as he may initially be commitment phobic. Place on a cushioned surface before attempting to turn on. Stand well back.
* Contents may have settled during transportation. Actual size may vary.
Older models
* Do not attempt to jump-start older models. Firmly grasp working parts and first check pressure is adequate. Allow to warm up slowly. If AussieBloke remains stalled, you may need to change your settings. For a start, you may be in the wrong gear. Consider changing into something pink and frilly.
Initial use
* Your AussieBloke has a durable outer casing but it is highly sensitive to knocks. Even gentle knocking can seriously distort the settings on the ego panel. To reset, approach the ego and stroke firmly. Compliment your AussieBloke on the attractiveness of his durable outer casing. Proffer a jar of olives, the lid of which he may care to prise open with a manly laugh. Sigh admiringly when this is done. Next, repeat the steps listed in "Getting Started". In most cases, you'll find your AussieBloke will now virtually turn himself on.
Ongoing use
* Do not leave your AussieBloke turned on in a public place, especially when you intend to leave him unattended. Malfunction in these circumstances is not covered by your guarantee.
* Your AussieBloke will perform best if given one task at a time. THIS PRODUCT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR MULTI-TASKING.
* Product may contain nuts. Choose carefully as the returns counter at AussieBloke Incorporated often features lengthy queues.
Maintenance
* To clean your AussieBloke, immerse daily in warm water and remove any scuff marks with a soft cloth.
* Tougher stains, especially those consequent to his employment in the workforce, may be rubbed away using a solution of alcohol, applied nightly, usually just after 6 o'clock.
* Act cautiously whenever detaching your AussieBloke from the household power. Remember if not given occasional access to at least a feeling of power, your AussieBloke may become run-down and difficult to handle.
Waivers and exclusions
* Your AussieBloke is not a reliable source of fashion advice. AussieBloke Incorporated, its agents or representatives are not responsible for any losses or humiliations consequent to your reliance on fashion advice given by your AussieBloke. WARNING: Your AussieBloke cannot spot any difference whatsoever between the first dress you tried on and the fourth one, despite the way he enthusiastically backs up your view that "the fourth one is by far the best".
* Your AussieBloke cannot be expected to stop and ask for directions when driving. Customers should remember that the Earth is round, so you will arrive at your destination eventually. HE DOES NOT NEED YOUR ADVICE ON HIS DRIVING METHODS. Your AussieBloke comes with perfect eyesight but may find it difficult to locate small items around the house, such as his wallet and keys. This is not considered a fault under your warranty. According to information supplied by your AussieBloke, he suspects that you are deliberating hiding his stuff every morning.
A final word
* Use your AussieBloke properly and only for what it is intended and you will enjoy years of rugged, safe and dependable service - service only available from the happy folks here at AussieBloke. Enjoy!

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An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!".
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the phone call

"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief pause,

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now
she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool now he isn't moving at all!"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door
reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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Spanish lesson, la computadora or el computador?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is fe minine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn the
m on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? <
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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BEER, FISHING, GOLF & SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
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Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"


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THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- Her mother, who had recently gone thru a nasty divorce, had
just found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but
she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and
I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

That weekend, Jen and her Mom went shopping and did find another gorgeous
dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, Aren't you
going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion
where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
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THIS JUST GETS FUNNIER AND FUNNIER THE FURTHER YOU READ.

Next time you have a bad day at work... Think of this guy. Rob is a Commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Perth, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.

G'day Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a Bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
So I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's Not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I First must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, My office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we Do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'waterheater'; This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the
Sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to The diver through a hose,which is taped to the side of the suit.

I've Used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the Bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back Of my wetsuit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like Working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to Itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.


Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out From My back, but the damage was already done. In agony I realized what had Happened.

The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my Suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't Stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

When I Scratched what I thought was an itch,I was actually grinding the Jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of My dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to The fact that he, along with five other divers, were all in fits of
Hysterical laughter.

I was then instructed to make three agonizing in-water compression Stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface To
Begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I Was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the Water, The medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a Tube of cream and told me to rub it on my arse as soon as I got into The chamber.

Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days Because my arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad Day At work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish Shoved up your bum!

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job
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Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


*****************

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


*******************

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


*******************

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks tothe truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


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#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR....

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


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A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more,
looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm too old for
this, and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind
him, the Trooper walked up to the corvette, looked at his watch and
said: "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let
you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran
off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
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A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:


4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right
now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma I saw you kiss Daddy's willie last night.' After
this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I
give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to
miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the
bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of
people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents,
aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My
girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in
my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got
up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out
across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax
supersize."

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business
like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do
you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt
in with a hammer.

1st Place.
And the winner is . . ...

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you
correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why
doesn't it taste sweet? After a stunned silence, the whole class burst
out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised
exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and
without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
not in the back of your throat".

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Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
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GREAT ADVICE!

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.!

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout . run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

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Genre: Male Jokes

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"


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A BIT OF LOGIC

There is more truth than poetry in some of the sayings.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney

Boston Clam Chowder??? We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise -Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.

"One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn" .


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The Nursing Home Police
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic
the other residents tolerated her and some of the men actually
joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast
Eddie outstretched his hand. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice."
Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her
handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!"
"Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said
"Carry on, ma'am."


As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very
sizable erection. Oh, good grief," cried Ethel,

"Not the Breathalyser again!"

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A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The
owner,walks up to him and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring
me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it
to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and
tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.

The blind man eats and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great.
I'lltake the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next
time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this
fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies
and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting.

Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork
ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I
didn't know Gladys worked here!"
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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada .

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver , says,"My answer is, there is no answer."

The second, from Toronto , says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

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I went into a stall in the rest room.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'
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Two Horses
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.

From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.

His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.

Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, GOD does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who GOD places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.

Good friends are like this ... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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FOURTH MARRIAGE
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more Innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never Spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
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Ray's New Boots
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home.
Walking proudly into the house, he says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Should have bought a hat, Ray. Should have bought a hat."
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If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. T just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and tuy had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater, and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment,
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
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All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough
time considering how their on-line names might appear and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the
agent that represents any celebrity. Their web site is:
http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at:
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company:
h ttp://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South
Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always:
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church web site is:
http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky web
site: http://www.speedofart.com/

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Fish Story

A guy who lives at Lake Macquarie (50 miles north of Gosford) saw a ball bouncing around kind of strange in the lake and went to investigate.

It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to
swallow a basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!

The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to
because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface.
The bloke tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was
unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to
deflate it and release the hungry catfish.

You probably wouldn't have believed this, if you hadn't seen the
following pictures...

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Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how a firework
in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.""Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Australia
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet. Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. "Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

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Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, "Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love you, Jill"
He stumbles to the kitchen, and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son . . . what happened last night?"
Jack's son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!" Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me." His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot breakfast - $4.20
Red rose bud - $3.00
Two aspirins - $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . Priceless
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Woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband; "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly and miserable. Pay me a
compliment."

The husband replies; "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.......

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Purina Diet
I have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (DUH!)
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.

He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer Season Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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"Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?"
- Author Unknown
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THE VIBRATOR

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE,GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE

room he observed his DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUTAS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE MEALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

******************************************************************************************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


*******************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*****************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Subject: Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at
the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
Toast of the Night".
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears
to make him come."
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Darwin Awards
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious Winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harareto Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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Merry Xmas

The Christmas Angel


One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves
got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.

Then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven
knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere. So,
frustrated Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that someone had drank all
of his liquor and there was nothing left to drink. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
pieces all over the kitchen floor. he went to get the broom and found that the
mice had eaten the straw from which it was made. Just then the doorbell rang
and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a
wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
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While walking through the N Qld rainforests, a man came upon another man
hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"Bullshit."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other bloke slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake.


Michael Watkin
Security Supervisor Group 3
Phone: 67316.
____________________________________
QUEENSLAND PARLIAMENTARY SERVICE
Security, Protocol & Attendant Services
Parliament House
Cnr George and Alice Streets Brisbane Qld 4000

Ph: 07 3406 7316 Fax: 07 3406 7529
mailto:Michael.Watkin@parliament.qld.gov.au

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THE DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun. I know what I did!!
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Git 'er done...

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes, what can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets
it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece
of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Merry Christmas, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to GIT 'ER DONE!)
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Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???
And EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep dodo-dodo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print?
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When
he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into
the ceiling.
"Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time
I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I
don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"

Some of the locals looked at each other and shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back
. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said,
"Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"
The cowboy turned back and replied,
"I had to walk home!"

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Various logical notes


- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

- Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over
fifty for Miss America ?

- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

- When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

- Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!!

- Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever and reproduce when only half full.

- And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes...

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1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!
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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Chicago Bear tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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Ok girls and guyz here is a good fun thing to play with just to see how grounded all us spiritual journeyers are.

I wont tell you my score till you tell me yours J

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how

clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer

the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add

another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Did you Answer

Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.

PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Have a nice day everyone.
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The Diary of a Snow Shoveler in Colorado

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the Wife
and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow, such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow, 8" last night! The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning!. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which
I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing and the roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm, nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night,
more shoveling, took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find
a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out, might have another shipment
in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think
the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts??? Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.

December 24
6" snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow
I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my
broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted
me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight, snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in! Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20, still snowed in! THE WITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches! Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a
million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife
went home to her mother. 9 more inches predicted!

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

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Dad

My Dad is a Father
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed,

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked a cross the bridge.

GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTENTION

The ALIENS ARE COMING

TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE

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Women over 40 In case you missed it on 60 minutes. This is for all girls around 40...AND...for guys who are scared of girls over 40. This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forth right and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

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Dear Dogs and Cats

(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -nose height)

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because! I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge ! and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT & LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

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WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T !"

"Don't what ?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "

"No Way ! "

"Yes way! "

"Do NOT eat the fruit ! "
said God.

"Why? "

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it ! "
Adam said.

"Did not ! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FI N ALLY:

IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and decided to get married.

There was only one thing bothering me: her beautiful younger sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and went bra-less.

One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister.

Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom but if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me." I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs . At the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always, always, keep your condoms in your car

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window and loves it?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

"Test for Dementia"

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you
lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.









1. What do you put in a toaster?


























Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.










2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?





















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't
Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even
overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such
as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.









3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?



























Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.









4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall,Germany at the time was politically divided into
West Germany and East Germany) Anywa! y, during the flight, TWO engines
fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before
he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's
land" between East Germany and West Germany Where would you bury the
survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?



























Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
"You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.









5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; InReading, six
people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get
off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six
people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was
the name of the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!









Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS:95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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Three guys were standing at the top of a Building. The first guy says to the second, "You know the wind currents are so strong here that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and just floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "Watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and says, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be really mean!"
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MEXICAN JEWS

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him,

"Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said,

"I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos"

gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, Our people are scattered

everywhere."

The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again.

"I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,

"All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews."
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Subject: Your new name

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you
need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we
are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than
not. Here is your dose of humour...

Follow the instructions to find your new name.

My new name is- Boobie Chicken Dunkin !

And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known
far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following is excerpted from a children's book,
Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot Professor
Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil
Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

What will yours be ???!!!


1. Use the third letter of your first name to
determine your new first name:

a = snickle

b = doombah

c = goober

d = cheesey

e = crusty

f = greasy

g = dumbo

h = farcus

i = dorky

j = doofus

k = funky

l = boobie

m = sleezy

n = sloopy

o = fluffy

p = stinky

q = slimy

r = dorfus

s = snooty

t = tootsie

u = dipsy

v = sneezy

w = liver

x = skippy

y = dinky

z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin

b = feather

c = batty

d = burger

e = chicken

f = barffy

g = lizard

h = waffle

i = farkle

j = monkey

k = flippin

l = fricken

m = bubble

n = rhino

o = potty

p = hamster

q = buckle

r = gizzard

s = lickin

t = snickle

u = chuckle

v = pickle

w = hubble

x = dingle

y = gorilla

z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt

b = boob

c = face

d = nose

e = hump

f = breath

g = pants

h = shorts

i = lips

j = honker

k = head

l = tush

m = chunks

n = dunkin

o = brains

p = biscuits

q = toes

r = doodle

s = fanny

t = sniffer

u = sprinkles

v = frack

w = squirt

x = humperdinck

y = hiney

z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is:
Fluffy Chucklefanny.


Guns vs. Doctors
A. The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000
B. Accidental deaths caused by doctors per year are 120,000
C. Accidental deaths per doctors is 0.171 per year
Now consider this:
A. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188 per year.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do!"
FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand.
NOTE: Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
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International men rules

1 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

2 It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When she is using her teeth

3 Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4 Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5 If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6 Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7 No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8 On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11 It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

12 Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13 Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14 Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15 If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20 Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21 Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24 The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25 It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26 Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27 The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28 There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
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HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

Works for me!
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An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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Mateship between Women

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The suspicious man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Mateship between Men

A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a mate's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
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Trivia

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each
salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.(Since Venus is normally
associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first
"Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

More Trivia

Subject: RAIL ROADS

Hello All, a quick history lesson - Railroads The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they

were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may

be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

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More Trivia
Can you guess which of the following are true or false

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE! (Now go back and think about No. 16!) -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Urinal Is Too High
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
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An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday night TV program. During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife: "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied: "You know, I don't really know--I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
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In Honor of Stupid People . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or odoor use only." (as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."B(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to

(maybe even chuckle)..
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The Bush administration today announced that it is changing the US emblem from a Bald Eagle to a CONDOM. A White House spokesman claimed that this change is more congruent with the government's current thinking because, a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of protection while you're actually being screwed.
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a customer service rep at a call center for Telus

No doubt you have spoken to him.
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Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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1 Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2 Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3 Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

4 Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5 Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in
Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food
exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of
his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth
drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the
Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on
the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but
he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious.
"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no." admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me
sister quite a few times."

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour
surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely..... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
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Number 6. is likely the most common of the symptoms.......
With so many imports these days, it helps to know what to look out for;
The Canadian Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
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On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger hat was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear! Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting..... By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"
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1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you wont dare cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

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Electricity 101

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone rang.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

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Whether Report?

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief whether the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old weather secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should start to collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."Very Funny!

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go to www.google.com and type in "failure" into the search area and look at the first entry that appears

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The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and
cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other.

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Cancel your credit cards before you die

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, just in case. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, and now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
· Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
· Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
· Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
· Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
· Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
· Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
· Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
· Citibank: "Excuse me?"
· Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
· Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
· Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
· Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
· Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
· Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
· Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given).
· Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
· Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given).
After they get the fax:
· Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
· Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
· Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
· Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
· Citibank: "That might help."
· Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
· Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
· Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

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Aussie ingenuity at its best!


Telephone conversation goes:

"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza.

He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's
house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed
where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood
but they find no cocaine.

They leave Wazza's house very annoyed and very disappointed.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate"
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Exercise Routine

New exercise routine. If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP.. .

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.
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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Art Thief

A thief in Paris decided to steal some paintings from the Louvre. He got
past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send this!)

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This has been around a while back, but it's worth the grin again.... :)

The Utah Department of Natural Resources is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in wooded areas.

People are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle a bear unexpectedly. They also recommend carrying pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity, and to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
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SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?

1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down

4. Baseball is Canadian

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass

10. Tim Hortons kicks Krispy Kreme's ass

11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it... and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure..

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.

16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisments kick ass

BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

26. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!

27. And we don't bomb our allies. oh yeah...

28. and our elections only take one day.

Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!

I AM CANADIAN!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God". St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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NEVER BRING PLANTS INTO THE HOUSE

Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes... Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance . The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey,and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the firetruck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when she shot him.

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WARNING

Police are warning all men who frequently visit clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called . Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

At other times unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship".

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred as "marriage".

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is dministered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fallvictim to this beer and the women administering it.there are male support groups here you discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
_______________________________________

Bush's Daily Briefing

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

_______________________________________

what do you call a lady on a tennis court Anette

why did the toilet paper go to the bottom of the hill to get to the bottom

_______________________________________

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to
log on to the computer. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P...E...N...I...S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!
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LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________

LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,” I’ll take the soup."
_______________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An
elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time.. but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
Author: anonymous

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours.'

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Dont use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17. Sing along at the opera.

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, Stall #3."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23. Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

24. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

25. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"

26. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

27. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

28. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

29. Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

30. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....E-mail this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.


RIDDLES

Q: What has 4 legs in the beginning, 2 legs in the middle and 3 legs in the end
A: Human Life (Crawling, walking, cane)

Q: 2 people are looking at 2 people in a picture one person says to the other one “Brothers and sisters I have none but this mans father is my fathers son”???
A: Himself

Q: What’s better than God, worse than the worst thing in the world, dead people eat it always, when live people eat it they die slowly?
A: Nothing

Q: What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a head but never weeps?
A: A River

Q: When is a door not a door
A: When it’s a jar

Q: What goes up a chimney down but can’t go down a chimney up?
A: An umbrella

Q: Do you say the yolk is white or the yolk are white?
A: Neither, the yolk is yellow

A Man rode his horse up a hill, yet he walked – How come?
A: Yeti was his dog!

HUMAN IDENTITY GAME

Q: Favourite animals (all to be written down)

1-3, first favourite

1-3, why

Whats your favourite drink and why?

What are your feelings about the ocean, what does it mean to you?

If you were lost in the forest and it got dark, how would you feel and what would you do?

ANSWERS: 1 – How you see yourself

2) How others actually see you

3) How you really are in your essence

4) How you feel about sex

5) How you feel about life

6) How you feel about death

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Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You’re too young to smoke!

Q: What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?
A: Jose A and Jose B

Q: What does a turkey do when it flies upside down?
A: It gobles up

Q: What weighs 6 ounces sits in a tree and is very dangerous?
A: A sparrow with a machine gun

Q: What has yellow skin and ???
A: A ball point banana

Q: What kind of people are always in a hurry
A: Russians

Q: What goes up white and comes down yellow?
A: An egg

Q: How do you divide 7 apples among 16 people?
A: make apple sauce

My brother has a cushy job at the watch factory making faces!

Long Underwear
My friend went to the shop to get some long underwear. “How long do you want them” the attendant asked. “Just until summer” my friend replied.

A very sad story
A man knocks on the lady’s door and says “excuse me I’m terribly sorry but I have run over your cat and I would like to replace him”. “That’s quite alright with me but how are you at catching mice?” replied the lady.


Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produ! ced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt